My Bad...

Have you ever done something you knew would regret when you did it, but went against all the omens and did it anyway? I'm pretty sure everyone has done this about something, and most people have done it with matters of the heart. The other day, boredom prompted me to check-out an ex-boyfriend's latest survey post. I know him well enough to know he is brutally honest, so all of the answers... all of the innuendo... all of the joy he's experiencing in life and love ended up making me feel like shit.

I'd long ago chocked the break-up to me. My indifference, my inability to be selfless, and (most of all), my failure to thwart the sentiments of naysayers. What I found is the same thing I realized when it hit me that he could be the one... it is no accident that a man of his caliber was single when I found him. Most women aren't ready when a dream guy is staring them in the face - hindsight tells me I'm one of them.

On the upside, I know that I learned some very important lessons from that relationship. A year later, it is much easier for me to assign whatever blame was mine to me. If you have someone who wants to do nothing other than be with and there for you, being busy with other things needs to take a back seat. When busy is over, only you can make sure lonely isn't waiting in the wings.

Prevaricate Not

For whatever reason here lately, I find myself subject to disrespect and lies. My first thought is to dwell in the "maybe I'm doing something to deserve it space." Then, I quickly stop myself from biting the bullet on my own. If the rule we are taught as children is true, these folks are telling me to treat them like soap scum.

I hesitated to even complain aloud by blogging this, but it kept happening. In The Devil Wears Prada one old timer tells the industry insider getting to the promotion stage at work means your personal life is someplace laying in tatters. I looked at both of these in my life, and they appear to be on equal footing-each chugging along nicely. (Knock on wood)

The only conclusion I can come to is there is something to be learned from the unsolicited treatment. When I say I feel vindicated as the cause, it isn't arrogance. I know each day of my life, I do what I can to be a light to and for others. I take all opportunities I can to grow as a person in my love of people. If this is my heart... my goal... the passion of my soul, why am I being hurt?

I've heard the old folks say the one you love the most will hurt you that much and oftentimes more. There's a story my sister loves to tell about me; I was about 11 years old. At summer camp one of our crafts was a frame for a Polaroid taken there. We were given popsicle sticks, a paint pen, the picture, and a wooden heart then told to write, "I [heart] ____." At a loss for ideas because I was uncertain who the benefactor of the gem would be, I decided on, "I [heart] me." My sister laughs me out saying no one other than me would have written that.

Back then, I did love myself more than anything. Call it selfish- call it naive- I knew, somewhere, something I seem to have forgotten along the way. No matter how big your heart is, or how much you give of yourself to others, nothing is under your control except those things that are about you. So, I started on a path to be about me by making me ready to do something good for... well, everybody. When I experienced the epiphany to my career path, things about me changed. Though I still loved me, I loved me for the God in me though which big things... huge... could be accomplished.

Now, as I'm rolling down my road, I realize the very people I do things for... the groups of people I sacrifice things for... are all hurting the heaven out of me. Is it what the enemy wants? Of course. Can I as a person stop other people from hurting me? A past lesson taught me that answer is "no." Lucky for me, part two of the same lesson let me know I can control something... I can not let what other people do (or don't do) hurt me. Turmoil at work is small stuff in the big scheme of things. Unrest in relationships-small stuff. Me not letting the small stuff get to me... priceless.

The Truth is...

A wiry white-haired old man referring to anybody as a "ho" is enough to raise an eyebrow and result in acquiescence to some level of inappropriateness. This... this is just sick and sickening on an entirely different level.

As a Black American woman, I feel this Imus guy just doled-out a dose of second-class treatment so incorrigible, how can we -- "we" being all women and people with naturally nappy hair (most are Black) -- possibly sit by and let this slide with a paid vacation? For one thing, I don't know how him going to talk to Rev. Al Sharpton* is an indication of real desire to admit wrongdoing-- he was merely addressing the hype. Then one can only remember Michael Richards and his quick turn with who was it... Rev. Jesse Jackson*?

I respect both of these Black men for their respective positive contributions to "the struggle." But they represent the type of leader Black people looked to when we were all in the same boat--discounted, disregarded, and still delegated the responsibility of builing the country (think of it as an antiquainted Guest Worker type of thing... only tax on Blacks fine print spoke in epochs of generations... not years) Once the efforts of the fervently religious leaders manifested into equal treatment, Black folks went out to seize freedom of opportunity. Some were content with the principle of being recognized; while others continued to challenge the status quo and reach higher heights.

Since the limit of man's success in history still appears boundary-less, the idea of "what Black people need," has morphed from something agnate to many abstract ideas of how our individual successes can be obtained. As a woman, this same principle is applicable to our struggle for equality; lest we forget, the movement for voting rights for both of these groups occurred in the 20th century.

As NBC makes a statement by pulling Mr. Imus' simu-cast from MSNBC, I can only laugh at the irony of a corporation finally using the race card as its cop-out. Honestly, I laugh to stop myself from crying... men making decisions about men and what men are allowed to say about women... what a crock of sh*t. Though Imus referred to the majority white Lady Vols squad as "cute" just prior to strongly contrasting the appearance of the Rutgers team, I wonder if he compared aesthetics of the two teams that competed for the men's NCAA crown.

The bottom line is... this is a 66-year old with long held, and conveyed, misogynistic and racist views. He is NOT the exception, but is now being made into the rule.



*This is an issue of misogyny first and race second. Devil's advocates for this issue have been quick to throw rap lyrics into the equation as the underlying cause. Well, it's been reported that Mr. Imus purports to have gotten this vernacular from a Spike Lee joint... Are we NOW gonna boycott our most outspoken and revolutionary film maker? In 2007, "we" can barely be used to group Black people beyond physical similarity. What "we" need is some self-respect and self-determination--NOT people who look like us making the world believe they can still group us into one, give us the once-over, and appease oh "we" Black folk.

Cupid: You won't believe in me but you would fancy leprechauns or groundhogs... no thank you Easter bunny... (Andre 3000)

This photograph was taken in 2005 at the Rijksmuseum - National Museum for Art and History in Amsterdamn, Nederlands.

I accept the fact that all of the hype surrounding the celebration of St. Valentine is wholly due to capitalistic greed... But, when you think about it, and whether you like it or not, the 14th of February is always eventful (to say the least)...

As today approached, I found myself wondering what was behind the sour feeling in my stomach behind the whole mess. V-day 2006 held no special event, and prior to that, I remember a few fond times. The most I could come up with was V-day 1997. At the time, I was a precocious high school freshman member of the dance line. My "boyfriend" played percussion in the band. The excitement around the holiday was heightened because it fell on a basketball Friday that year.

At some point, I remember the "boyfriend" being surrounded by his homeys. Shortly thereafter, he came to me with more holiday greetings and a little box... At 14, you can imagine how through I was. My Valentine's gift was a heart-shaped, filigree gold ring. (If someone pulled it out t-o-d-a-y I would immediately be equally as through).

If you're waiting for the downside, here it comes. Soon thereafter, this "boyfriend" indelibly earned his quotes. Even in retrospect, the things he did were painful, so at that age I was crushed. When I think about it, the ring ended up being the scapegoat for all of my pain about the entire thing. It is gone, and so should be the grudge I held on Valentine's Day because of pure association.

For the first time, and quite at the last minute, I propositioned a man to be my Valentine (elementary school y/n's aside). I had said it before I realized which assured me I'm cured. At the end of this day, I can say my venture was successful and resulted in a nice surprise followed by an endless day of smiling. (I love a man who steps up to the plate!)

To Cupid, I say... let it do what it do, baby, yeeeaaahhhh!!!

Matrix News...


In the wee hours of the morning today, I found myself awake and watching television. This isn't my usual routine, but I needed something to jolt me into the land of functional consciousness. I'd fallen asleep watching Law and Order: CI, so when USA's morning schedule of infomercials popped-up, I immediately sought more substantive programming options.

In typical fashion, the network news programs were full of fluff with a little bit of substance thrown in for good measure (San Francisco father hailed as a hero, tidbits on the latest buskwacking, etc). What I needed to hear (being the public health nut that I am) included information about the O157:H7 outbreak, the explanation for women becoming the staple of military frontlines, and what the presidential hopefuls think about the situation in the Middle East (considering the fact that both Blair and Bush are on the way out). Anywho...

When the American networks did not deliver substantive accounts, I made a promise to myself to seek some international news at some point in my day. When I flipped the channel and found BBC, I could've stopped there feeling quite accomplished for the day, but I promised, remember...

I got to work and fate placed news.independent.co.uk in my lap. I originally googled "Taco Bell illnesses" expecting cnn.com or msnbc.com to get first dibbs, but alas, it was this UK site. From there, I read a lengthy and well written interview about Nas' forthcoming "Hip Hop is Dead" cd, non-sugarcoated accounts about Fidel Castro, and other very interesting tid bits. Maybe it's because it's "The Independent" or maybe it's because it's from the UK... Whatever it is, it sure beat the hell out of reading washingtonpost.com.